Anger Management Techniques for Divorced Parents -- and Others!

Anger Management Techniques
for Divorced Parents -- and Others!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

One of the most challenging and frustrating aspects of being
a divorced parent may be getting along with your former
spouse. We all understand that parents are parents for life –
regardless of whether you are married, separated or
divorced. The better you get along with your ex, the easier
you make life for you and your children – not only for this
month, but for years and decades to come.

It’s a safe bet that you and your former spouse are quite good
at pushing each other’s buttons. It’s not difficult to bring one
another to a state of anger – and then to feel frustration and
resentment in return. For that reason, learning how to handle
and manage your anger is an excellent and very productive
skill to master. Dr. Lyle Becourtney is a licensed psychologist
practicing in Rockland County, NY who specializes in the area
of anger management. We can all benefit from the wisdom he
shares that’s applicable to both adults and teens.

“Do you ever find yourself getting more and more angry and
frustrated while trying to explain what is bothering you?” Dr.
Becourtney asks. Perhaps you feel your former spouse is not
really listening to you or trying to understand things from your
perspective. “In such circumstances, you may end up raising
your voice or becoming verbally or even physically abusive.
Unfortunately, responding in this manner usually decreases
your chances of being listened to with empathy and
compassion,” he notes.

”Another maladaptive way of handling your feelings, perhaps
out of fear of losing control, is to work extra hard at keeping
everything bottled up inside. What happens here,” Dr.
Becourtney explains, “is similar to what happens when a
balloon keeps filling up with more and more air. The balloon
will expand as far as it can and then eventually pop.”

”However, if the balloon periodically releases some of its air,
the likelihood is it will never reach that point of popping,” he
adds. “Similarly, a person who uses assertive communication
will be much less likely to become explosive.” One of the eight
core anger management techniques that Dr. Becourtney
teaches is assertive communication which involves honestly
and effectively communicating your feelings in a non-hostile
fashion.

Dr. Becourtney says one of the most challenging facets of
using assertive communication when you’re divorced is
expressing your feelings without your ex becoming angry or
defensive. “What makes this so difficult,” he notes, “is that
most people do not like to be criticized.” Telling your ex what
they did wrong, what you do not like about their behavior, or
how they hurt your feelings “can very easily trigger a negative
reaction.”

One of the most effective ways of using assertive
communication, according to Dr. Becourtney, is by using a
technique known as the Compliment Sandwich. Here’s how
it works.

“The meat of the sandwich (your complaint, criticism, or
concern) is surrounded by two pieces of bread (compliments
or positive feedback). In order to minimize defensiveness,
you would begin with a compliment (the first piece of bread),
then present the main message that you are trying to
communicate (the meat), and then finish with another
compliment (the second piece of bread)."

To illustrate, here is an example of the Compliment Sandwich:

You have always been a great parent and Tom really
loves you. (first compliment/ positive feedback)

So when I heard you promise Tom that you’d be there
for the big game on Saturday, I was very surprised and
disappointed when you didn't show up. What I need is
for you to call me and let me know if you can’t honor a
promise you make to Tom. (critical feedback)

Tom has always been able to count on you in the past
and I know you’ll be careful about not making
commitments to him unless you’re sure you can follow
through for now on. (second compliment/positive
feedback)

”The Compliment Sandwich makes it possible for an important
communication to be made in a non-hostile manner”, says Dr.
Becourtney. “By opening and closing with positive feedback, a
friendly tone was set and an important message was able to
be conveyed.” Rather than aggressively attacking your child’s
other parent and risk making matters worse (or bottle things
up and become potentially explosive) this type of
communication allows you to get things off your chest without
putting your ex on the defensive.

Dr. Becourtney offers a few key suggestions for using the
Compliment Sandwich effectively:

It is essential that your praise be genuine. As
challenging as it may seem, you should be able to think
of at least two things to say that are both complimentary
and sincere.
Avoid overusing this technique so that your words do
not appear to be contrived.
Make sure your compliments are in some way related to
the critical message that you are trying to convey. In
this way, the conversation flows smoothly and feels
genuine.

Learning how to manage anger, especially in divorce
relationship issues, is an important component of creating a
healthy, successful child-centered divorce. The pay-offs, in
terms of harmony, cooperation and peaceful days for your
children, make anger management skills worth mastering. You
will never regret learning how to diffuse anger and tension in
your communication with your child’s other parent. I
encourage you to give it a try.

You can learn more about managing anger from Dr. Lyle
Becourtney at http://www.AngerManagementGroups.com.

About The Author
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator
and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids …
about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to
Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides
fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family
storybook that guides children through this difficult transition
with optimum results.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2008. All rights reserved.

Anger Management Groups
led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist