Breaking the Anger/Abuse Cycle

Breaking the Anger/Abuse Cycle
by Ron Huxley

The anger/abuse cycle is a common pattern of
interaction between family members. Although it is
traditionally used to describe domestic violence it
can take place in everyday parenting routines,
through verbal and emotional abuse. For example,
a parent may explode in frustration at his child for his
irresponsible behavior. Words and actions are said by
the parent that are hurtful. And even when the parent
knows he is verbally abusing his son, he may be
unable to stop himself or find himself caught back up
in anger after he promised himself, and his son, that
he would not vent at him in frustration. Understanding
the anger/abuse cycle is the first step toward breaking
the cycle.

The anger/abuse cycle has three main phases: The
problem, tension building, and honeymoon phase.
The following ten steps break these phases into more
detail:

1. Problems occur in life and tension begins to
develop. What stressors are at work in your life, job,
or family? How do you perceive the actions of others
towards you? Are those perceptions accurate or
unrealistic?

2. Opportunity to ESCAPE or ESCALATE!

3. If escalating, tension builds/ineffective coping
strategies start.

4. Ineffective coping strategies fail/Tension continues
to build.

5. Trigger thoughts set off anger and violence.

6. Explosion: Destructive release of tension.

7. Feelings of guilt and remorse over angry
words/actions. Promises are made to "never do it
again."

8. Honeymoon Period. Low tension, happy moods,
and false hope.

9. Denial of anger problem.

10. Problems and stressors reoccur or new ones
develop. The cycle continues.

The first phase brings problems in the life of the
parent or in the relationship between parent and child.
Problems are a normal part of life but if they add up
too high or occur too frequently, they can lead to
expressions of anger. The expression can be
constructive if the parent has coping mechanisms that
allow him to cope with the problem by finding a
solution to it. This is the escape choice listed in item 2
above.

If the parent is unable to cope then he is left with the
choice of escalating or moving into the tension
building phase. Ineffective coping mechanisms may
increase feelings of frustration and helplessness if
parents feel they are "failures" because their coping
mechanisms did not work. This and other trigger
thoughts become the spark that sets off an explosion
or release of tension. This would include items 3
through 6 listed above.

Items 7 and 8 occur after the tension has been
released. This is characterized by guilt, remorse, and
false promises. This is the third or honeymoon phase.
It is called the honeymoon phase because parent and
child experience low tension, happy moods, and false
hope that the anger/abuse is gone. All that has really
happened is that the tension has been released and
the feelings of frustration over the parents problems
and their inability to cope with it are no longer
present. Unfortunately, this denial of an anger
management problem and the inevitable recurrence
of more problems causes the anger/abuse cycle to
start all over again.

The obvious means of breaking this cycle is to find
more effective coping mechanisms. This does two
things for the parent. The first is that it relieves the
parent from personalizing their failure. This means
that the parent reframes themselves as needing new
tools to find a solution to their parenting problem
rather than as being failures for not finding the
solution. In other words, it is the tool that is ineffective
not the parent. At this point, the parent needs to find
the right tool for the job.

The second benefit is that it empowers the parent to
take responsibility for changing the parent/child
relationship. The parent enjoys the feeling of being in
control of their thoughts and actions which affects the
child's thoughts and actions. This is the opposite
direction taken in item 5 and 6 above where blame
and shame typically occur. Instead of blaming the
other person, as wrong as he might be, the parent
can take responsibility for their part in the problem, or
at least their reaction to it, which breaks the cycle of
anger and abuse.

Anger Management Groups
led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist

Anger Management Groups
led by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist

Call for your
appointment:
(917) 968-0965

This is the #1 recommended
anger management book
for Dr Becourtney's clients.

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This online anger management class is completely web-based and offers
the same content that Dr Becourtney teaches in his local anger
management classes. Be sure to enter X62K-ACM in the Offer Code field
during registration to obtain a discount.

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