Importance of the Father/Child Bond
by Ron Huxley
by Ron Huxley
One of the most magical moments of my life was being at
the birth of my child. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. I
remember watching him squirm and cry as he met the
world. I remember how he paused to listen to my voice as I
whispered my love for him and commitment to him. To this
day, spending time with my kids continues to be one of my
favorite activities. To not spend time with my children is
unfathomable.
For many fathers, this isn’t the case. They sit in hospital
waiting rooms, clapping each other on the back and
congratulating one another on a job well done, while their
child enters the world without their father next to them. The
day after the delivery and every day after are filled with
missed opportunities to bond with their child and influence
the directions they will take in life. They rationalize that they
are sacrificing for their family by working long hours and
justify their emotional distance as modeling how to survive
in the “cold, cruel world.” Food on the table and a roof over
head is nice but nothing makes up for loving, nurturing
relationships with one’s father.
How do fathers build this bond? What barriers stand in
the way? And, what are some practical tools to help fathers
strengthen their children intellectually, emotionally,
spiritually, and physically? To help me answer these
questions, I asked for advice from dads who have a close
bond with their children. How do I know they have a close
bond? I asked their wives!
How do you bond with your child?
In response to this question, all of the fathers answered
alike. They stated that the best way to bond was simply to
spend time with a child. What you do is not as important as
doing something.
They divided activities up into four main areas: Physical,
Intellectual, Social, and Spiritual. A balance of these four
areas would result in a child having a happier, healthier life.
Physical activities are the most familiar to fathers and
include working around the house together, sharing a
hobby, coaching an athletic team, exercising together, and
going places together. Intellectual activities focus on being
involved in a child’s academics, participating in school
related activities, encouraging hard work, and modeling
yourself as their primary teacher of life. Social activities
centered on talking with children, sharing feelings and
thoughts, demonstrating appropriate affection and
manners, and getting to know your child’s friends. Spiritual
activities are used the least by dads but have the most
power to influence a child. These activities incorporate
reading spiritual stories together, going to church or the
synagogue, praying with children, establishing rules and
order, being consistent and available, and exploring the
mysteries of nature.
What is difference between the father/child bond and
the mother/child bond?
It was quickly apparent from the surveys that dads have a
different approach or style to bonding than moms. Dads
have a more rough and tumble approach to physical
interaction or may spend time in more physical activities
such as play or working on a project together. Competition
was also seen more in father/child bonding and was
considered healthy if used in small doses and with
sensitivity to a child’s temperament and abilities.
Sportsmanship, but not necessarily sports activities, was
regarded as an essential ingredient in the development of a
child’s characters. While the approach may differ, the need
for bonding with mom and dad is equally significant. One
dad joked that other than a couple of biological differences
(e.g., giving birth or breastfeeding) he couldn’t see one as
more important than the other.
What barriers prevent fathers from achieving a bond
with their child?
All of the fathers agreed that work and the mismanagement
of time were the biggest robbers of relationships with
children. No one discounted a father’s responsibility to
provide for his family, but all of them maintained that a
healthy balance is needed between work and family. They
felt that society makes it easy to use one’s career as an
escape. Social influences tend to value the bond a child
has with mom to be more important than with dad. But none
of the dads questioned felt this barrier to be
insurmountable.
Eliminating barriers in society begins in the home. Dads
must demonstrate that being involved in the home is
important to them before society will start treating dads as
important to the home. Dads need to take the initiative to
change a diaper, clean up after dinner, give the kids their
bath, and do the laundry. The collective effect of these
“small” acts will ripple out into society to create “bigger”
change.
Can a father bond with a child if they did not have a
father growing up?
The entire group affirmed that not having a father would
make it more difficult but not impossible to bond with a child.
According to one dad, bonding is more of an innate need or
spiritual drive, than simply a learned behavior. Therefore,
fatherless fathers are not doomed to repeat their own
childhood experiences. Another dad suggested “getting
excited” by the little things that make a child excited or
happy. Getting down on the child’s level, regressing to
those early moments in life when you were a child, and
sharing simple pleasures with your child will foster the
bonding missed the first time around.
In summary, it is clear that the bond between a father and a
child is an important one. Barriers, such as social values
and absent fathers make bonding with children difficult but
not impossible. Children need the unique style of bonding
that fathers can provide and fathers can build that bond by
spending time engaging in physical, intellectual, social, and
spiritual activities.
the birth of my child. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. I
remember watching him squirm and cry as he met the
world. I remember how he paused to listen to my voice as I
whispered my love for him and commitment to him. To this
day, spending time with my kids continues to be one of my
favorite activities. To not spend time with my children is
unfathomable.
For many fathers, this isn’t the case. They sit in hospital
waiting rooms, clapping each other on the back and
congratulating one another on a job well done, while their
child enters the world without their father next to them. The
day after the delivery and every day after are filled with
missed opportunities to bond with their child and influence
the directions they will take in life. They rationalize that they
are sacrificing for their family by working long hours and
justify their emotional distance as modeling how to survive
in the “cold, cruel world.” Food on the table and a roof over
head is nice but nothing makes up for loving, nurturing
relationships with one’s father.
How do fathers build this bond? What barriers stand in
the way? And, what are some practical tools to help fathers
strengthen their children intellectually, emotionally,
spiritually, and physically? To help me answer these
questions, I asked for advice from dads who have a close
bond with their children. How do I know they have a close
bond? I asked their wives!
How do you bond with your child?
In response to this question, all of the fathers answered
alike. They stated that the best way to bond was simply to
spend time with a child. What you do is not as important as
doing something.
They divided activities up into four main areas: Physical,
Intellectual, Social, and Spiritual. A balance of these four
areas would result in a child having a happier, healthier life.
Physical activities are the most familiar to fathers and
include working around the house together, sharing a
hobby, coaching an athletic team, exercising together, and
going places together. Intellectual activities focus on being
involved in a child’s academics, participating in school
related activities, encouraging hard work, and modeling
yourself as their primary teacher of life. Social activities
centered on talking with children, sharing feelings and
thoughts, demonstrating appropriate affection and
manners, and getting to know your child’s friends. Spiritual
activities are used the least by dads but have the most
power to influence a child. These activities incorporate
reading spiritual stories together, going to church or the
synagogue, praying with children, establishing rules and
order, being consistent and available, and exploring the
mysteries of nature.
What is difference between the father/child bond and
the mother/child bond?
It was quickly apparent from the surveys that dads have a
different approach or style to bonding than moms. Dads
have a more rough and tumble approach to physical
interaction or may spend time in more physical activities
such as play or working on a project together. Competition
was also seen more in father/child bonding and was
considered healthy if used in small doses and with
sensitivity to a child’s temperament and abilities.
Sportsmanship, but not necessarily sports activities, was
regarded as an essential ingredient in the development of a
child’s characters. While the approach may differ, the need
for bonding with mom and dad is equally significant. One
dad joked that other than a couple of biological differences
(e.g., giving birth or breastfeeding) he couldn’t see one as
more important than the other.
What barriers prevent fathers from achieving a bond
with their child?
All of the fathers agreed that work and the mismanagement
of time were the biggest robbers of relationships with
children. No one discounted a father’s responsibility to
provide for his family, but all of them maintained that a
healthy balance is needed between work and family. They
felt that society makes it easy to use one’s career as an
escape. Social influences tend to value the bond a child
has with mom to be more important than with dad. But none
of the dads questioned felt this barrier to be
insurmountable.
Eliminating barriers in society begins in the home. Dads
must demonstrate that being involved in the home is
important to them before society will start treating dads as
important to the home. Dads need to take the initiative to
change a diaper, clean up after dinner, give the kids their
bath, and do the laundry. The collective effect of these
“small” acts will ripple out into society to create “bigger”
change.
Can a father bond with a child if they did not have a
father growing up?
The entire group affirmed that not having a father would
make it more difficult but not impossible to bond with a child.
According to one dad, bonding is more of an innate need or
spiritual drive, than simply a learned behavior. Therefore,
fatherless fathers are not doomed to repeat their own
childhood experiences. Another dad suggested “getting
excited” by the little things that make a child excited or
happy. Getting down on the child’s level, regressing to
those early moments in life when you were a child, and
sharing simple pleasures with your child will foster the
bonding missed the first time around.
In summary, it is clear that the bond between a father and a
child is an important one. Barriers, such as social values
and absent fathers make bonding with children difficult but
not impossible. Children need the unique style of bonding
that fathers can provide and fathers can build that bond by
spending time engaging in physical, intellectual, social, and
spiritual activities.
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